Thursday, 10 November 2011

Text for Pic 005 - Secrets

While Gloria starts to fill Tami in on ’the strangest application this club has ever received...’

Billy-Jo watches his chips go cold consoling himself with thoughts of a quadratic conundrum:

x squared – 2 x  – 3 = 0
(x  +1) (x  – 3) = 0
x  = - 1 or x  = 3

As this thought circles his head, Tami starts to shout ‘If I’d known that Graeme wasn’t a swimmer I’d never have wasted 80 quid on the bloody CRB application would I?!’

Which disrupts Billy-Jo’s thinking quite a good deal… He puts chips in his ears to block out the sound of his Mother and tries to remember what his teacher told him this morning…

‘Critical values are -1 and 3. So, the solution is either − 1 < x < 3 or x < − 1; x > 3. To determine which one it is, plug in any value, apart from the critical values, into the original inequality and see if the inequality is true’

‘Hmmmm?’ thinks Billy-Jo

At exactly the same moment as Tami screams ‘WHAT?!

In reaction to Gloria announcing,'That’s not all! Graeme drew a picture of himself on his application form instead of attaching a photograph like everyone else! And let me tell you, its not as if he's talented or anything...’

As his mother’s shouting continues Billy-Jo manages to think ‘Well if x = 0, then 0 − 0 − 3 < 0’

But he is to be interrupted again when Tami slams the phone down, storms back into the kitchen and discovers her son standing with his hands over his eyes and chips stuck in his ears.

‘What the bloody hell are you thinking Billy-Jo?’ shouts Tami

Billy-Jo says with total honesty ‘ I was thinking that 0 is a solution, and as it lies in − 1 < x < 3, − 1 < x  Well… So… I was thinking < 3 is the solution Mum.’

Tami looks at her son and a kind of shudder or horror goes through her. Once again the fear that her own biological child must have been swapped at birth with this Alien in front of her throbs through her mind. Half the time she literally has no idea of what Billy-Jo is talking about. She wonders if the Aliens are putting probes into her real child’s brain while this cuckoo eats her chips? And then she remembers the picture of kittens Billy-Jo made her for mother’s day. She manages a smile. She says ‘No Math’s talk at the table you know that! Now take the chips out of your ears and eat them up before they go cold.’

While all of this is happening…

Lindsay Pearson has a secret meeting with Michelle behind his chicken shed… They have been meeting like this for the last 6 weeks. Lindsay has enjoyed Michelle’s attentions. He’s been flattered that a younger woman could still find him attractive but he’s beginning to find her need for constant attention quite irritating. And her taste in popular music is unlistenable. And, well... Lindsay has begun to wonder if it might be time to end this little affair.. However he hasn’t said any of that yet, because Michelle hasn’t let him get a word in edgeways…

Michelle answered Lindsay’s lonely hearts add for a joke. She thought it could be a laugh to post a picture of herself snogging an old man on her facebook page. But as soon as she met him his charisma made her put away thoughts of public humiliation and as time has gone on her feelings have become intense. Lindsay’s confidence, his ability to explain how mechanical things work and his full set of perfect teeth are all enormously attractive to her. She loves the smell of him and his old fashioned wardrobe. A sliver fox. That’s what he is… And this is what she is telling him now as she unbuttons his shirt. Lindsay tries to stop her, but Michelle has not finished. Now, right now at this very second, Michelle starts to say ‘I want us to stop hiding our love. I want to tell the world that it’s possible for a 21-year-old girl to love a man of 67. Lindsay, I want to move in with you and have your children.’

And as Michelle moves to kiss him, Lindsay Pearson discovers with some surprise that he can’t think of a single word to say in reply.

(With thanks to and its Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License for allowing the free use of the un-understandable big sum above)

Saturday, 24 September 2011

Text for Pic 004 - Billy-Jo thinks of cold chips...

Tami’s son Billy-Jo (a mathematical child genius) watches his tea go cold because Tami is called from the mealtime table to take a phone call from Gloria…

‘It’s about this Graeme fellow’

‘Can’t it wait Gloria?’ says Tami ‘only teas going cold and Billy-Jo needs to keep his strength up. He’s got his maths A level paper tomorrow you know.’

To which Gloria responds ‘I’m sorry Tami, I know it’s an important time for you and I wouldn’t usually interfere round meal times, but this won’t wait…’

Pic 004

Pic 004 - 21st September 2011

Thursday, 22 September 2011