Monday 12 December 2011
Thursday 10 November 2011
Text for Pic 005 - Secrets
While Gloria starts to fill Tami in on ’the strangest application this club has ever received...’
Billy-Jo watches his chips go cold consoling himself with thoughts of a quadratic conundrum:
x squared – 2 x – 3 = 0
(x +1) (x – 3) = 0
x = - 1 or x = 3
As this thought circles his head, Tami starts to shout ‘If I’d known that Graeme wasn’t a swimmer I’d never have wasted 80 quid on the bloody CRB application would I?!’
Which disrupts Billy-Jo’s thinking quite a good deal… He puts chips in his ears to block out the sound of his Mother and tries to remember what his teacher told him this morning…
‘Critical values are -1 and 3. So, the solution is either − 1 < x < 3 or x < − 1; x > 3. To determine which one it is, plug in any value, apart from the critical values, into the original inequality and see if the inequality is true’
‘Hmmmm?’ thinks Billy-Jo
At exactly the same moment as Tami screams ‘WHAT?!
In reaction to Gloria announcing,'That’s not all! Graeme drew a picture of himself on his application form instead of attaching a photograph like everyone else! And let me tell you, its not as if he's talented or anything...’
As his mother’s shouting continues Billy-Jo manages to think ‘Well if x = 0, then 0 − 0 − 3 < 0’
But he is to be interrupted again when Tami slams the phone down, storms back into the kitchen and discovers her son standing with his hands over his eyes and chips stuck in his ears.
‘What the bloody hell are you thinking Billy-Jo?’ shouts Tami
Billy-Jo says with total honesty ‘ I was thinking that 0 is a solution, and as it lies in − 1 < x < 3, − 1 < x Well… So… I was thinking < 3 is the solution Mum.’
Tami looks at her son and a kind of shudder or horror goes through her. Once again the fear that her own biological child must have been swapped at birth with this Alien in front of her throbs through her mind. Half the time she literally has no idea of what Billy-Jo is talking about. She wonders if the Aliens are putting probes into her real child’s brain while this cuckoo eats her chips? And then she remembers the picture of kittens Billy-Jo made her for mother’s day. She manages a smile. She says ‘No Math’s talk at the table you know that! Now take the chips out of your ears and eat them up before they go cold.’
While all of this is happening…
Lindsay Pearson has a secret meeting with Michelle behind his chicken shed… They have been meeting like this for the last 6 weeks. Lindsay has enjoyed Michelle’s attentions. He’s been flattered that a younger woman could still find him attractive but he’s beginning to find her need for constant attention quite irritating. And her taste in popular music is unlistenable. And, well... Lindsay has begun to wonder if it might be time to end this little affair.. However he hasn’t said any of that yet, because Michelle hasn’t let him get a word in edgeways…
Michelle answered Lindsay’s lonely hearts add for a joke. She thought it could be a laugh to post a picture of herself snogging an old man on her facebook page. But as soon as she met him his charisma made her put away thoughts of public humiliation and as time has gone on her feelings have become intense. Lindsay’s confidence, his ability to explain how mechanical things work and his full set of perfect teeth are all enormously attractive to her. She loves the smell of him and his old fashioned wardrobe. A sliver fox. That’s what he is… And this is what she is telling him now as she unbuttons his shirt. Lindsay tries to stop her, but Michelle has not finished. Now, right now at this very second, Michelle starts to say ‘I want us to stop hiding our love. I want to tell the world that it’s possible for a 21-year-old girl to love a man of 67. Lindsay, I want to move in with you and have your children.’
And as Michelle moves to kiss him, Lindsay Pearson discovers with some surprise that he can’t think of a single word to say in reply.
(With thanks to http://en.wikibooks.org/wiki/A-level_Mathematics/Edexcel/Core_1/Algebra and its Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License for allowing the free use of the un-understandable big sum above)
Billy-Jo watches his chips go cold consoling himself with thoughts of a quadratic conundrum:
x squared – 2 x – 3 = 0
(x +1) (x – 3) = 0
x = - 1 or x = 3
As this thought circles his head, Tami starts to shout ‘If I’d known that Graeme wasn’t a swimmer I’d never have wasted 80 quid on the bloody CRB application would I?!’
Which disrupts Billy-Jo’s thinking quite a good deal… He puts chips in his ears to block out the sound of his Mother and tries to remember what his teacher told him this morning…
‘Critical values are -1 and 3. So, the solution is either − 1 < x < 3 or x < − 1; x > 3. To determine which one it is, plug in any value, apart from the critical values, into the original inequality and see if the inequality is true’
‘Hmmmm?’ thinks Billy-Jo
At exactly the same moment as Tami screams ‘WHAT?!
In reaction to Gloria announcing,'That’s not all! Graeme drew a picture of himself on his application form instead of attaching a photograph like everyone else! And let me tell you, its not as if he's talented or anything...’
As his mother’s shouting continues Billy-Jo manages to think ‘Well if x = 0, then 0 − 0 − 3 < 0’
But he is to be interrupted again when Tami slams the phone down, storms back into the kitchen and discovers her son standing with his hands over his eyes and chips stuck in his ears.
‘What the bloody hell are you thinking Billy-Jo?’ shouts Tami
Billy-Jo says with total honesty ‘ I was thinking that 0 is a solution, and as it lies in − 1 < x < 3, − 1 < x Well… So… I was thinking < 3 is the solution Mum.’
Tami looks at her son and a kind of shudder or horror goes through her. Once again the fear that her own biological child must have been swapped at birth with this Alien in front of her throbs through her mind. Half the time she literally has no idea of what Billy-Jo is talking about. She wonders if the Aliens are putting probes into her real child’s brain while this cuckoo eats her chips? And then she remembers the picture of kittens Billy-Jo made her for mother’s day. She manages a smile. She says ‘No Math’s talk at the table you know that! Now take the chips out of your ears and eat them up before they go cold.’
While all of this is happening…
Lindsay Pearson has a secret meeting with Michelle behind his chicken shed… They have been meeting like this for the last 6 weeks. Lindsay has enjoyed Michelle’s attentions. He’s been flattered that a younger woman could still find him attractive but he’s beginning to find her need for constant attention quite irritating. And her taste in popular music is unlistenable. And, well... Lindsay has begun to wonder if it might be time to end this little affair.. However he hasn’t said any of that yet, because Michelle hasn’t let him get a word in edgeways…
Michelle answered Lindsay’s lonely hearts add for a joke. She thought it could be a laugh to post a picture of herself snogging an old man on her facebook page. But as soon as she met him his charisma made her put away thoughts of public humiliation and as time has gone on her feelings have become intense. Lindsay’s confidence, his ability to explain how mechanical things work and his full set of perfect teeth are all enormously attractive to her. She loves the smell of him and his old fashioned wardrobe. A sliver fox. That’s what he is… And this is what she is telling him now as she unbuttons his shirt. Lindsay tries to stop her, but Michelle has not finished. Now, right now at this very second, Michelle starts to say ‘I want us to stop hiding our love. I want to tell the world that it’s possible for a 21-year-old girl to love a man of 67. Lindsay, I want to move in with you and have your children.’
And as Michelle moves to kiss him, Lindsay Pearson discovers with some surprise that he can’t think of a single word to say in reply.
(With thanks to http://en.wikibooks.org/wiki/A-level_Mathematics/Edexcel/Core_1/Algebra and its Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License for allowing the free use of the un-understandable big sum above)
Sunday 25 September 2011
Saturday 24 September 2011
Text for Pic 004 - Billy-Jo thinks of cold chips...
Tami’s son Billy-Jo (a mathematical child genius) watches his tea go cold because Tami is called from the mealtime table to take a phone call from Gloria…
‘It’s about this Graeme fellow’
‘Can’t it wait Gloria?’ says Tami ‘only teas going cold and Billy-Jo needs to keep his strength up. He’s got his maths A level paper tomorrow you know.’
To which Gloria responds ‘I’m sorry Tami, I know it’s an important time for you and I wouldn’t usually interfere round meal times, but this won’t wait…’
‘It’s about this Graeme fellow’
‘Can’t it wait Gloria?’ says Tami ‘only teas going cold and Billy-Jo needs to keep his strength up. He’s got his maths A level paper tomorrow you know.’
To which Gloria responds ‘I’m sorry Tami, I know it’s an important time for you and I wouldn’t usually interfere round meal times, but this won’t wait…’
Thursday 22 September 2011
Text for Pic 003 - The Application Arrives...
Gloria peruses Graeme’s application to join the synchronised swimming team.
Wednesday 21 September 2011
Text For Pic 002 – Honesty is always the best policy…
After finishing the application form, Graeme visited Lindsay Pearson next door and asked if he might cut a few logs from the apple tree near the garage? Lindsay said no. He didn’t want anyone going near the garage at the moment because the chickens needed some calm. They had had a difficult day caused by an unannounced visit from Defra who had attempted to ‘insinuate a surprise inspection upon us all’. Graeme hoped all was well? Lindsay reassured him that his solicitor was the best in the business and Defra were soon sent packing. Even so Lindsay was unsettled. He said on more than one occasion ‘Now I know someone is out to get me, I will be far more careful’… Graeme couldn’t imagine anyone wanting to cause problems for Lindsay. He seemed like such a nice man. Not that he really knew anything about him. But Lindsay had a pleasingly shaped head. Plus Graeme admired his corduroy trousers and the smart check shirts that he always wore. The combination of these things made Lindsay seem firm yet approachable and fair. These were three things that Graeme valued highly.
After a cup of tea together it turned out that while Lindsay didn’t want anyone near the garage or the chickens, he did need his lawn mowing. So Graeme obliged and in return received 6 fresh eggs. They were a little smaller than normal but Graeme put that down to the stress the chickens had had that day…
And then it was bedtime…
It was only now that Graeme’s thoughts returned to the application form he had completed for the synchronised swimming team earlier that day. He allowed himself a little smile. He was pretty certain he had done a good job and that they would want him…
Only, as he brushed his teeth Graeme began to feel a prickle of anxiety.
And as he lay in bed the anxiety grew to become a fully formed worry.
Because there was a technicality, an important technicality that he had overlooked until now… but now this thing was all he could think of!
Of course, while he had been writing his application he had been thinking! He had been thinking about many many things. For example - would they mind that he had drawn a picture of himself, rather than supplied the photograph they had asked for? Would he suit the team colours of gold, purple and blue? He also thought a good deal about whether he would find the nose clips too uncomfortable to wear? However, it now became obvious to him that all of those concerns were nothing as compared to the issue he had overlooked. Namely, he realised he had dealt with question 3 all wrong. Question 3. The question that asked about skills, abilities and whether Graeme could swim?
Graeme had made a spur of the moment decision to write: Yes
But actually, he now realised it would have been more honest to have written: No
And so, that night Graeme had awful trouble sleeping and a terrible dream where he came out of his house to find the whole street submerged in water and Mr Lindsay and the chickens and everything Graeme loved had been swept away or was broken or waterlogged and beyond repair and and and…
When he awoke, Graeme thought about the dream and decided it was a sign. So he sat down and wrote a letter to the synchronised swimming team amending his answer to question 3 and asking if it would be possible (at first at least) for him to participate in activities using a lifesaver? If of course the rest of his application was successful? And after that a great weight of worry was lifted and Graeme was reminded that honesty is always the best policy.
After a cup of tea together it turned out that while Lindsay didn’t want anyone near the garage or the chickens, he did need his lawn mowing. So Graeme obliged and in return received 6 fresh eggs. They were a little smaller than normal but Graeme put that down to the stress the chickens had had that day…
And then it was bedtime…
It was only now that Graeme’s thoughts returned to the application form he had completed for the synchronised swimming team earlier that day. He allowed himself a little smile. He was pretty certain he had done a good job and that they would want him…
Only, as he brushed his teeth Graeme began to feel a prickle of anxiety.
And as he lay in bed the anxiety grew to become a fully formed worry.
Because there was a technicality, an important technicality that he had overlooked until now… but now this thing was all he could think of!
Of course, while he had been writing his application he had been thinking! He had been thinking about many many things. For example - would they mind that he had drawn a picture of himself, rather than supplied the photograph they had asked for? Would he suit the team colours of gold, purple and blue? He also thought a good deal about whether he would find the nose clips too uncomfortable to wear? However, it now became obvious to him that all of those concerns were nothing as compared to the issue he had overlooked. Namely, he realised he had dealt with question 3 all wrong. Question 3. The question that asked about skills, abilities and whether Graeme could swim?
Graeme had made a spur of the moment decision to write: Yes
But actually, he now realised it would have been more honest to have written: No
And so, that night Graeme had awful trouble sleeping and a terrible dream where he came out of his house to find the whole street submerged in water and Mr Lindsay and the chickens and everything Graeme loved had been swept away or was broken or waterlogged and beyond repair and and and…
When he awoke, Graeme thought about the dream and decided it was a sign. So he sat down and wrote a letter to the synchronised swimming team amending his answer to question 3 and asking if it would be possible (at first at least) for him to participate in activities using a lifesaver? If of course the rest of his application was successful? And after that a great weight of worry was lifted and Graeme was reminded that honesty is always the best policy.
Tuesday 20 September 2011
Text For Pic 001 - Graeme Keating Jnr eats a scoop of egg, lays down his spoon and then picks up his pen...
And considers the thoughts that are in his head.
Because there is a good deal to think about.
The synchronized swim team application in front of him for one thing.
He has reached question 11:
Reasons for applying for the position of synchronized team member off line (thus incurring added administration costs and a good deal of irritation)?
And straight away the bad thoughts come crashing back in...
The thoughts about the rise of the computers.
Because Graeme has been considering the rise of the computers for several weeks now. The realisation that there might be a problem came to him after cutting some logs in Mr Lindsay Pearson's garden. Lindsay is Graeme's neighbour. And when he saw what Graeme had done he was livid. Graeme realises now that he should have asked first but the tree looked dead. He has paid Lindsay compensation and has learnt a valuable lesson. He's thankful that he and Lindsay are back on good speaking terms again. Lindsay provides excellent eggs from his chicken coup in the garage. Excellent eggs. Large and glossy and good to eat.
But now, as Graeme thinks about the rise of the computers even Mr Lindsay's eggs lose their appeal and once again all he can think about is:
By what right should power be exerted? By what right? By means of an inalienable human right? Should the right to life and a portion of the planets power come simply because we are come to life and are living? Or is the right to exert power gained simply from the ability to exert it? Do the powerful have agency simply because they are powerful and more able to exploit the world around them? What would Sir Richard of Pickled Branston say? What would Sir Lord Alan of Bearded Sugar think? Would they not veer towards the idea that their power is held in their fist or brain because their fist and brain can do better than my/your/our fist and brain? That the general 'can' becomes their 'look I did it' simply because it is? And lets not get emotional. It is just business.
This part of the thought was pretty bad. It led Graeme to drop his logs and for a moment he was unable to move. But then it got worse. Because this thought led to another. And it was this:
If all this is so! Isn't there something obvious that the likes of Donald Top Trump have not thought of? What about when the computers develop to the point that no human can understand them any longer? Won't they demand the right to deregulate and begin self-evolution via human-free development and computer-centric replication? And if so, will these new super computers not reach a point where engaging with humans becomes pointless, slow, full of glitches, full of communication breakdowns? In short - wont’ business work better without people? Won't it become inefficient to waste time on humans? And where will the powerful humans be then? Where will anyone be? Doesn't the logic of capitalism support the entire subjugation of the human race if the needs of a computerised market require it and deem it profitable?
It took several minutes for Graeme to recover after this thought had passed. But finally he lent down to pick up his logs, And as he did so he vowed to start a subscription to human rights watch and more importantly to never ever ever tell anyone about this thought. EVER. Because he knows it would make him sound mad. The only problem is. Since having his thought he has become phobic of all technology and can no longer uses his computer. This has made life difficult. He has an especially hard time explaining why he now refuses to engage with email and insists on conducting all his correspondence in pen and ink.
Which leads Graeme back to thoughts about his application to the local synchronized swim team.
The Team consists of Gloria, Michelle, Tami and Iris. They recently advertised for a replacement after an awful accident, which left Brenda unwilling to ever swim with any of them again.
As a door closes for Brenda opportunity knocks for Graeme.
But Graeme doesn’t know this. He has however noticed that he has spilt a tiny bit of egg yolk on one corner of the application.
He hopes they won’t mind.
He assumes they will approve of egg eating. It is a healthy pursuit after all. And the ladies of the team have been very supportive so far. Especially as the club doesn't usually allow men. In official competitions he wouldn't be able to compete. But the ladies say there is no reason why he shouldn't appear in non-competitive formats. For example the up and coming Autumn Swim Gala and hog roast. Graeme would be very welcome to join the ladies then. If he passes certain tests and his application is appropriate of course.
Oh yes.
Gloria says it will give them a 'Real twist'.
Michelle says it will 'Certainly be a talking point'
Tami says 'If his CRB check is fine, I don't give a fuck one way or the other.'
And
Iris mumbles something that no one understands. This is her way. So it seems.
But then things are not always as they seem.
Graeme knows this more than anyone.
He eats another scoop of egg. He picks up his pen again and underneath 'Reasons for applying for the position of synchronized team member off line (thus incurring added administration costs and a good deal of irritation)? He scrawls:
A life long love of calligraphy.
He suspects this lie will come back to haunt him but at this moment in time it feels like he has no other option.
Because there is a good deal to think about.
The synchronized swim team application in front of him for one thing.
He has reached question 11:
Reasons for applying for the position of synchronized team member off line (thus incurring added administration costs and a good deal of irritation)?
And straight away the bad thoughts come crashing back in...
The thoughts about the rise of the computers.
Because Graeme has been considering the rise of the computers for several weeks now. The realisation that there might be a problem came to him after cutting some logs in Mr Lindsay Pearson's garden. Lindsay is Graeme's neighbour. And when he saw what Graeme had done he was livid. Graeme realises now that he should have asked first but the tree looked dead. He has paid Lindsay compensation and has learnt a valuable lesson. He's thankful that he and Lindsay are back on good speaking terms again. Lindsay provides excellent eggs from his chicken coup in the garage. Excellent eggs. Large and glossy and good to eat.
But now, as Graeme thinks about the rise of the computers even Mr Lindsay's eggs lose their appeal and once again all he can think about is:
By what right should power be exerted? By what right? By means of an inalienable human right? Should the right to life and a portion of the planets power come simply because we are come to life and are living? Or is the right to exert power gained simply from the ability to exert it? Do the powerful have agency simply because they are powerful and more able to exploit the world around them? What would Sir Richard of Pickled Branston say? What would Sir Lord Alan of Bearded Sugar think? Would they not veer towards the idea that their power is held in their fist or brain because their fist and brain can do better than my/your/our fist and brain? That the general 'can' becomes their 'look I did it' simply because it is? And lets not get emotional. It is just business.
This part of the thought was pretty bad. It led Graeme to drop his logs and for a moment he was unable to move. But then it got worse. Because this thought led to another. And it was this:
If all this is so! Isn't there something obvious that the likes of Donald Top Trump have not thought of? What about when the computers develop to the point that no human can understand them any longer? Won't they demand the right to deregulate and begin self-evolution via human-free development and computer-centric replication? And if so, will these new super computers not reach a point where engaging with humans becomes pointless, slow, full of glitches, full of communication breakdowns? In short - wont’ business work better without people? Won't it become inefficient to waste time on humans? And where will the powerful humans be then? Where will anyone be? Doesn't the logic of capitalism support the entire subjugation of the human race if the needs of a computerised market require it and deem it profitable?
It took several minutes for Graeme to recover after this thought had passed. But finally he lent down to pick up his logs, And as he did so he vowed to start a subscription to human rights watch and more importantly to never ever ever tell anyone about this thought. EVER. Because he knows it would make him sound mad. The only problem is. Since having his thought he has become phobic of all technology and can no longer uses his computer. This has made life difficult. He has an especially hard time explaining why he now refuses to engage with email and insists on conducting all his correspondence in pen and ink.
Which leads Graeme back to thoughts about his application to the local synchronized swim team.
The Team consists of Gloria, Michelle, Tami and Iris. They recently advertised for a replacement after an awful accident, which left Brenda unwilling to ever swim with any of them again.
As a door closes for Brenda opportunity knocks for Graeme.
But Graeme doesn’t know this. He has however noticed that he has spilt a tiny bit of egg yolk on one corner of the application.
He hopes they won’t mind.
He assumes they will approve of egg eating. It is a healthy pursuit after all. And the ladies of the team have been very supportive so far. Especially as the club doesn't usually allow men. In official competitions he wouldn't be able to compete. But the ladies say there is no reason why he shouldn't appear in non-competitive formats. For example the up and coming Autumn Swim Gala and hog roast. Graeme would be very welcome to join the ladies then. If he passes certain tests and his application is appropriate of course.
Oh yes.
Gloria says it will give them a 'Real twist'.
Michelle says it will 'Certainly be a talking point'
Tami says 'If his CRB check is fine, I don't give a fuck one way or the other.'
And
Iris mumbles something that no one understands. This is her way. So it seems.
But then things are not always as they seem.
Graeme knows this more than anyone.
He eats another scoop of egg. He picks up his pen again and underneath 'Reasons for applying for the position of synchronized team member off line (thus incurring added administration costs and a good deal of irritation)? He scrawls:
A life long love of calligraphy.
He suspects this lie will come back to haunt him but at this moment in time it feels like he has no other option.
Monday 19 September 2011
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